Don’t Listen to Crazy People
From the beginning of time, people have had their opinions about single mothers. Hey, even I’m no different. I have said it before and I’ll say it again: I think that it is irresponsible to have unprotected sex and, thereby, create children that one cannot afford to raise effectively. For that matter, I ALSO think it is irresponsible to marry the first jerk that asks you (I’m guilty of that one!!!!). So, we all have our opinions – and blunders.
However, NONE of us are in a position to judge anyone else. Like me, you’ve made mistakes too. We can do one thing, however, we can warn other women to not make the same bad choices that we made. Warn, not judge.
There has been a ton of press about a popular conservative author and political commentator. She has been spewing judgments about people in life situations in which she can never relate. I say, don’t listen, single mom!
Choose to hear life lessons from those who care about you and your challenges. Most importantly, learn from your own mistakes (and victories, for that matter). But do not let people box you into a category because of your choices, economic status or color of your skin. Further don’t box either. Never box yourself into a life that you do not want. At any given moment in your life, you can make changes to improve. It’s possible.
People do it everyday.
For me it was returning to school so that I could earn enough money to care for my son. I also aggressively learned computer skills [online] so that I could get better jobs and more pay. Heck, I learned html online so that I could create a “side” business and send my son to private school! It didn’t cost me a dime to learn those skills! Because I did I not only made more money, but I also created a website that reaches hundreds of single moms each day!
Also I had one son. I purposely decided NOT to have more children as a single mom because I knew I could not afford them. I took control of my life and you can too. I’m not perfect – far from it. But I’m smart enough to know that I am in control of my destiny and not a bunch of “nay-sayers”, critics, and silly elitist authors.
Don’t listen to the crazy people single mom!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Destiny: Single Moms
Single mothers have been the cornerstone of society for ages. However, the stigma imposed on them has compromised society’s support of them through the years. People tend to judge more than offer resources. But women raising children alone is a reality for countless women. Those families need the support of a caring community so that the children can grow and thrive. Further, I am committed to working to provide a peripheral of support so that mothers can also grow and expand as women. A healthy and well-balanced woman is better positioned to raise healthy children as well.
A Little About Me
For those who do not know, I was a single mother for fifteen years. I married far too young and the marriage lasted a few minutes (well, almost four years). The result was a wonderful baby boy (now almost eighteen). It seems that most of my adult life was devoted to learning and discovering how to raise him effectively. I was determined to not let him suffer completely for my poor choices in marriage or in relationships.
I struggled to live a life of integrity and be a good model of humanity for him. Although I dated guys from time to time, I was careful not to parade men around him. He has never seen a man come out of my bedroom after an overnight liaison. Not because I am perfect – Lord knows I am not! Gimme a break! My twenties were seasoned with bad choices and bad relationships. But I was careful to not let him suffer from them. I did not compromise his mental health by allowing him to get attached to people that I knew were not committed to me or him. Along the same lines, it wasn’t his fault when I dated a jerk that dumped me for another woman. Since it wasn’t his fault, he didn’t need to know about it, hear about it or live with a heart-broken and depressed mom who endured one broken heart after another. I grew past that for his sake and mine.
You’re NOT doing what????
To further make life more challenging, I committed in my late twenties to abstain from sex until I was married. (I say the “challenging” part in humor – and truth!) My decision was rooted in my faith, but also in my logic. When a woman is “with” a man and gives her body and soul to him without a commitment, the pain is very intense should the relationship end. I determined that was not good for me or my son. One of my friends could not relate to my choice and when I told her about it, she responded in a shrieking voice, “You’re not doing WHAT?” She put special emphasis on the word "NOT". Funny! Although difficult, my choice was the right one. I do not regret it. Recognizing the difficulty of making tough choices, I founded a support network for single mothers like myself. With the right support systems, single moms can raise healthy kids and develop themselves personally, emotionally and professionally. There is so much talk about negative peer pressure in our world, but I believe POSITVE peer pressure is just as powerful. It has helped me and still does.
When I married three years ago, I assumed that I was to no longer to continue the single mom network that I had invested almost ten years into building. But that was a faulty decision. My heart is still with single moms and I want all of the resources I have acquired to somewhat benefit them and improve their lives as woman and as parents. A destiny is not so easily abandoned.
So, my question to all of the single moms out there is not to so much their opinions on my personal decisions. I simply shared a bit about myself to give you insight and context into me and who I am. Here’s what I want you to do: please share what you as single moms (or supporters of such) feel that women raising children need to be successful as women. What personal development resources would be most useful?
For example, when I was a single mom I struggled most with time management and budgeting. I was in school and worked a demanding full-time job. There wasn’t enough time. Secondly, although I made a good living, I never learned the “science” behind budgeting. So, it never seemed to be enough money. Resources and developmental opportunities in these areas could have helped me a great deal.
Again, what insights can you share on how single moms can flourish as women so that they can succeed as moms?
A Little About Me
For those who do not know, I was a single mother for fifteen years. I married far too young and the marriage lasted a few minutes (well, almost four years). The result was a wonderful baby boy (now almost eighteen). It seems that most of my adult life was devoted to learning and discovering how to raise him effectively. I was determined to not let him suffer completely for my poor choices in marriage or in relationships.
I struggled to live a life of integrity and be a good model of humanity for him. Although I dated guys from time to time, I was careful not to parade men around him. He has never seen a man come out of my bedroom after an overnight liaison. Not because I am perfect – Lord knows I am not! Gimme a break! My twenties were seasoned with bad choices and bad relationships. But I was careful to not let him suffer from them. I did not compromise his mental health by allowing him to get attached to people that I knew were not committed to me or him. Along the same lines, it wasn’t his fault when I dated a jerk that dumped me for another woman. Since it wasn’t his fault, he didn’t need to know about it, hear about it or live with a heart-broken and depressed mom who endured one broken heart after another. I grew past that for his sake and mine.
You’re NOT doing what????
To further make life more challenging, I committed in my late twenties to abstain from sex until I was married. (I say the “challenging” part in humor – and truth!) My decision was rooted in my faith, but also in my logic. When a woman is “with” a man and gives her body and soul to him without a commitment, the pain is very intense should the relationship end. I determined that was not good for me or my son. One of my friends could not relate to my choice and when I told her about it, she responded in a shrieking voice, “You’re not doing WHAT?” She put special emphasis on the word "NOT". Funny! Although difficult, my choice was the right one. I do not regret it. Recognizing the difficulty of making tough choices, I founded a support network for single mothers like myself. With the right support systems, single moms can raise healthy kids and develop themselves personally, emotionally and professionally. There is so much talk about negative peer pressure in our world, but I believe POSITVE peer pressure is just as powerful. It has helped me and still does.
When I married three years ago, I assumed that I was to no longer to continue the single mom network that I had invested almost ten years into building. But that was a faulty decision. My heart is still with single moms and I want all of the resources I have acquired to somewhat benefit them and improve their lives as woman and as parents. A destiny is not so easily abandoned.
So, my question to all of the single moms out there is not to so much their opinions on my personal decisions. I simply shared a bit about myself to give you insight and context into me and who I am. Here’s what I want you to do: please share what you as single moms (or supporters of such) feel that women raising children need to be successful as women. What personal development resources would be most useful?
For example, when I was a single mom I struggled most with time management and budgeting. I was in school and worked a demanding full-time job. There wasn’t enough time. Secondly, although I made a good living, I never learned the “science” behind budgeting. So, it never seemed to be enough money. Resources and developmental opportunities in these areas could have helped me a great deal.
Again, what insights can you share on how single moms can flourish as women so that they can succeed as moms?
Date Smart Single Mom
Responsible Dating Choices for Single Moms
Responsible DatingRecent headlines about single mothers have been saddening and frustrating. Most made headlines because of poor relationship choices. The mothers made the choices, but the kids paid the price. Hear this and remember it: just about every choice you make affects your children.As a young single mother, I learned that my choices, even those when my son was not around me, affected his life in a variety of ways. The tears from my broken heart impacted the overall tone of my household, thereby affecting him. Similarly, when I met a great guy that made me happy that, too, affected his daily living. There’s no way around it – everything you do affects your child(ren) in some form. So you must be wise.The following tips I learned one of two ways: from painful experience or from the mistakes of other single moms. I hope you find them helpful.1) One Disciplinarian. Never allow your significant other (SO) to discipline your children. That job belongs to only one person – you. When a boyfriend disciplines or spanks your child, it confuses the child and diminishes your power to a degree. Furthermore, boyfriends – even the best ones- “lift” right out of your life. With no marriage certificate they can easily, quickly and instantaneously be gone. I know what you are thinking. Although husbands disappear as well, it’s not quite as easy. But people with no weighty commitment tend to treat SO’s and their kids a bit more casually. Be careful. Discipline is and should remain a parenting role, but it should never a “boyfriends” role.
2) Don’t Do It. Do not leave your child alone with your SO. You must be careful entrusting anyone with your child, but especially a man. You may trust him with your all of your. You may likely even love him, but it is not good practice. Just because a person is over 18, doesn’t make them responsible, competent or safe caretakers. There have been enough sad headlines of trusting single mothers who have left their children with a boyfriend. Don’t become one of them. Better safe than sorry. Take no risks with your children. Enough said.
3) Slow Your Roll A Bit. Allow plenty of time before you introduce your child(ren) to your SO. There’s no rule or formula as to how long one should wait, but I think the longer the better. Help your children preserve their emotional attachments for that person that will be around long-term. Smart single moms know that their love for a man is not always good measure for judging his character. Before a man meets your children consider waiting until he offers you a ring and a date of promise. It’s better to err on the side of caution in these situations. Waiting gives you a chance to know him, understand him and assess his lifestyle. So many married women are miserable because they did not wait to actually see what type of men they’re husbands are regarding their time and sensitivity. Besides, your child doesn’t need the memories of meeting a sea of your men suitors.
4) Hold your heart and your body dear. I know it sounds archaic in today’s culture. However, if you know your true value, you will be wary of falling in love to quickly. Instead, you will stick with someone long enough to observe their patterns, learn their core values, and understand their temperament before choosing to love them. Love is not something that “just happens” to smart women, it is a choice. It is a gift. You must choose wisely for yourself and for your kids.This leads into the second point: do not give your body to someone that you are not legally married. The intimacy and emotional attachment alone is reason enough to wait. Another reality is that many sexually transmitted diseases and infections put you at risk. As a result, why gamble with your body and your children’s future because of a physical urge or need to please a man. An easy choice it is not, but it is a choice that you will be glad you made in the end. Few people are sorry that they waited for sex; countless individuals regretted not waiting to have sex. Besides, you’re worth the wait and so are your kids.
Responsible DatingRecent headlines about single mothers have been saddening and frustrating. Most made headlines because of poor relationship choices. The mothers made the choices, but the kids paid the price. Hear this and remember it: just about every choice you make affects your children.As a young single mother, I learned that my choices, even those when my son was not around me, affected his life in a variety of ways. The tears from my broken heart impacted the overall tone of my household, thereby affecting him. Similarly, when I met a great guy that made me happy that, too, affected his daily living. There’s no way around it – everything you do affects your child(ren) in some form. So you must be wise.The following tips I learned one of two ways: from painful experience or from the mistakes of other single moms. I hope you find them helpful.1) One Disciplinarian. Never allow your significant other (SO) to discipline your children. That job belongs to only one person – you. When a boyfriend disciplines or spanks your child, it confuses the child and diminishes your power to a degree. Furthermore, boyfriends – even the best ones- “lift” right out of your life. With no marriage certificate they can easily, quickly and instantaneously be gone. I know what you are thinking. Although husbands disappear as well, it’s not quite as easy. But people with no weighty commitment tend to treat SO’s and their kids a bit more casually. Be careful. Discipline is and should remain a parenting role, but it should never a “boyfriends” role.
2) Don’t Do It. Do not leave your child alone with your SO. You must be careful entrusting anyone with your child, but especially a man. You may trust him with your all of your. You may likely even love him, but it is not good practice. Just because a person is over 18, doesn’t make them responsible, competent or safe caretakers. There have been enough sad headlines of trusting single mothers who have left their children with a boyfriend. Don’t become one of them. Better safe than sorry. Take no risks with your children. Enough said.
3) Slow Your Roll A Bit. Allow plenty of time before you introduce your child(ren) to your SO. There’s no rule or formula as to how long one should wait, but I think the longer the better. Help your children preserve their emotional attachments for that person that will be around long-term. Smart single moms know that their love for a man is not always good measure for judging his character. Before a man meets your children consider waiting until he offers you a ring and a date of promise. It’s better to err on the side of caution in these situations. Waiting gives you a chance to know him, understand him and assess his lifestyle. So many married women are miserable because they did not wait to actually see what type of men they’re husbands are regarding their time and sensitivity. Besides, your child doesn’t need the memories of meeting a sea of your men suitors.
4) Hold your heart and your body dear. I know it sounds archaic in today’s culture. However, if you know your true value, you will be wary of falling in love to quickly. Instead, you will stick with someone long enough to observe their patterns, learn their core values, and understand their temperament before choosing to love them. Love is not something that “just happens” to smart women, it is a choice. It is a gift. You must choose wisely for yourself and for your kids.This leads into the second point: do not give your body to someone that you are not legally married. The intimacy and emotional attachment alone is reason enough to wait. Another reality is that many sexually transmitted diseases and infections put you at risk. As a result, why gamble with your body and your children’s future because of a physical urge or need to please a man. An easy choice it is not, but it is a choice that you will be glad you made in the end. Few people are sorry that they waited for sex; countless individuals regretted not waiting to have sex. Besides, you’re worth the wait and so are your kids.
Postively SINGLE Mom!
Positively Positive, Single Mom!
It has never been more apparent to me than recently how we must value the time we have with those we love. In one day- one short twenty four hours- the telephone can ring with news that can turn our lives upside down. We must live each day to it’s fullest, making the most of every moment.It is easy to focus on the challenges of day to day living and ignore the blessings of the present moment. Your health, strength and resources are the positives to focus on each day. As a single mom, you may not have every material thing you want, but you do have something. The very fact that you are reading this blog demonstrates that you have access to a computer. That’s a blessing. Your car may not be impressive to most, but if you have one at all, that’s a blessing.There was an old song with lyrics that tell us to “accentuate” the positive.
As a single mom, this is especially good advice. I know it sounds "Pollyanna-ish, but if you maximize the negative, your inner spirit will live in a state of “heaviness” that could turn into depression and affect your ability to parent well. Your children need to see you happy, optimistic and encouraged. This will build their confidence and teach them the valuable lesson of counting their blessings.Besides, when you focus on the ‘happy’ side of life, you’ll be better able to recognize great the opportunities that come your way. So, keep your spirits up, Single Mom! The best is yet to come!Teri Worten Brooks is the founder of Sisters Helping Sisters, Inc. A Missouri-based nonprofit organization devoted to building the capacity of single mothers and all women to reach their fullest potential. Learn more at http://www.sistershelpingsisters.org/
It has never been more apparent to me than recently how we must value the time we have with those we love. In one day- one short twenty four hours- the telephone can ring with news that can turn our lives upside down. We must live each day to it’s fullest, making the most of every moment.It is easy to focus on the challenges of day to day living and ignore the blessings of the present moment. Your health, strength and resources are the positives to focus on each day. As a single mom, you may not have every material thing you want, but you do have something. The very fact that you are reading this blog demonstrates that you have access to a computer. That’s a blessing. Your car may not be impressive to most, but if you have one at all, that’s a blessing.There was an old song with lyrics that tell us to “accentuate” the positive.
As a single mom, this is especially good advice. I know it sounds "Pollyanna-ish, but if you maximize the negative, your inner spirit will live in a state of “heaviness” that could turn into depression and affect your ability to parent well. Your children need to see you happy, optimistic and encouraged. This will build their confidence and teach them the valuable lesson of counting their blessings.Besides, when you focus on the ‘happy’ side of life, you’ll be better able to recognize great the opportunities that come your way. So, keep your spirits up, Single Mom! The best is yet to come!Teri Worten Brooks is the founder of Sisters Helping Sisters, Inc. A Missouri-based nonprofit organization devoted to building the capacity of single mothers and all women to reach their fullest potential. Learn more at http://www.sistershelpingsisters.org/
Early Birds or Crazy Birds????
Last night I determined to wake up a bit early today to feed my spirit and start the day motivated and encouraged. So, I dutifully got up from my nice, cozy soft bed and headed toward my cold, dark kitchen. My first thought was to do a load of laundry or something. But I didn’t. This was time for my own replenishment and self-care. I wasn't going to deviate from the plan.
The only problem is that I am a morning hater! I'm known for thinking anyone who is up before seven o'clock is nuts! However, I must admit that I noticed something tranquil about the early morning. But I'm still not completely convinced that this "early bird" thing is for me. Time will tell.
While in the kitchen, I turned on the lights and groggily made a cup of peppermint tea. Hoping the pungent flavor of pepperment would give me a burst of energy and wake me up. Still somewhat sleep, I spent the time in prayer and mediation as I had planned. I was very drowsy and can't say that I remember much of what I read or journaled, but it was nice to have some time for myself before the madness of another busy day began to settle in.
It's critical to make time for yourself whether you’re a working mom, a married mom, or a single mom. As a matter of fact, I think the latter mentioned needs this quiet time the most.
As a single mom, you are incredibly busy giving out and distributing your resources to others. As a result, it is easy to forget the simple principle of self care- making time for you. Think about it, car that has a gas gauge on empty is of little use to anyone. The same goes for you.
Whether your "you" time is in the morning, evening or during the lunch hour, make some time to spend on yourself. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty about it. As a single mom, my time was clearly during the evening (I guess you figured out that I am not a morning person by nature). As a matter of fact, after Ben (my son) went to sleep, I would stay up to do something I enjoyed. I would paint my toe nails, read or guiltlessly peruse a fashion website or I did whatever else I thoroughly enjoyed. Remember, it's not about the quantity of time, but the frequency that matters.
Point: Regularly make more time for yourself so that you can be an effective, relaxed and well-balanced mom. Do it for your kids, do it for yourself.
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