What Single Moms Are Saying...

Background

The Single Mom Support Groups have been going on for years. The first support group was in 1998 at the Plaza Library in Kansas City, Missouri. Since then, many transitions have transpired in our organization, our city and in society at-large.

There are simply too few resources available for single women parenting alone. In my fifteen years as a single mother, I learned how differently I had to execute family operations from my two-parent counterparts. I had to be the “all and all” for my son. I had to work smarter – not harder- to get tasks accomplished. It was critical that I strategically plan our time and make the most of our resources.

A New Day

In this new season of Sisters Helping Sisters, I welcome input and advice on what is important to single moms in Kansas City and across the country. During the last support group meeting, some moms generated a list of struggles single moms must overcome, barriers they must work through and speakers they might want to hear share insights. I welcome your feedback about the list and any additions or subtractions to amend it and make it more comprehensive. Even if you’re not in Kansas City, we welcome your input.

Struggles

-Negative people, being negative
-Finances (discipline, budgeting, healthcare, life, etc)
-Life Skills (managing cooking, cleaning, household duties, developing good healthy habits).
-Education (formally and just learning more about a variety of subjects)
-Exploring career options (linking them to education goals)
-Nutrition (making healthy meals, exercise for “everyday” people)

Barriers
-Self (making decisions, not accepting support when available)
-Low self image (society makes us feel badly about ourselves)
-Negativity about future
-Putting others higher than self
-Shame about past decisions

Speakers/Topics
-Self care
-How to be alone and not lonely
-Budgeting and handling money wisely
-Loving one’s self
-Self Defense
-Career Counseling
-Education process (where to start, etc)
-Car repair
-Home repair ("DIY" fixes)

Needless to say, this list is not all inclusive and reflects the opinions of just a few women.

What items do you think are missing on from the above list?

Do you agree with the list?

Healthy Mom, Healthy Kids

In order to rear healthy and emotionally-sound children, a woman must first be healthy and emotionally-sound herself. She needs a healthy sense of “self” so that she can make good decisions for herself and her children. It is virtually impossible for a woman to effectively raise thriving children if she herself is emotionally broken and spiritually fragmented. That’s all there is to it. I have seen it play out countless times and so have you. A woman who is insecure, fearful, nervous, and angry tends to raise children that mirror those weaknesses.

This is why, Single Mom, you must continue to work toward making yourself better and more competent in every area of your life. If you struggle with insecurity, you have to face that struggle head on and begin challenging yourself to grow and expand in areas of weakness.
Suggestion: Start with a journal of some sort. Take the time to catalogue your victories, triumphs or even survivals. List out every time you have conquered a short-coming or a setback. List them clearly. Whether it is smoking, drinking or just “falling” into bed with the first joker that says he loves you. Whatever your victory is, write it down, reflect on it and celebrate it.

Triumphant, Again!
Now that you have listed your victories, think about your formal triumphs. What have you achieved? Did you graduate from college against all odds? Did you graduate from trade school or high school? Did you just make it through today?
Your triumphs could actually be more personal than educational achievement. For instance, have you gained control of your food intake (that’s a tough one!)? Are you exercising now more than you have in the past? Whatever your triumph, embrace it and use it as a stepping stone to take you to the next stage of success.

"I Made It Through!!!"

Don’t forget to focus on your survivals. Did you survive a relationship that you thought would destroy you emotionally or even physically? If so, that’s praise-worthy! Did you manage [or are you managing] to raise your children with very few resources? Again, that’s a survival! Many of us have survived everything from personal attacks, mistreatment and spiritual setbacks. The key is to catalogue the triumph deep into your psyche so that you can use it to propel you forward in life. As a young mom, I never imagined that I would be able to work full-time, go to college, live in a great suburb while keeping my baby in a great private school, but God gave me the strength and the resources. That’s a big deal for me. I have been victorious, triumphant and, yes, I SURVIVED!

Single Mom, do not be “down” on yourself for your shortcomings. Instead purposely celebrate just how far you’ve come. I say it all of the time, ‘a lesser woman would have quit’. But you keep on “trucking’. That’s a huge step toward being that healthy and successful mom raising healthy, well-balanced kids!

FaceBook - Are They Crazy or Are We?

FaceBook recently took some heat for changing their "Terms of Service" (TOS) to overtly declare perpetual ownership of content on their website (including photos). This created quite a "stink" with the millions (or more) FaceBook users around the world. As you know, people post pictures of themselves, friends and even their kids on their FB web pages. It seems that the old TOS statement did not assert ownership over content after a person left FB or discontinued their membership. However, the newly adapted TOS did claim some degree of ownership.

I can understand the "YIKES!" sentiment felt by some of the users. Frankly, I never used the service until today when I joined - only to see updated pictures of my friend’s new baby. So in essence, the entire deal is new to me. Heck, I discovered Blogs a few weeks ago! But there is a part of me that's a bit perplexed about this situation. Here's why: anything, including pictures and verbiage, posted on the World-Wide-Web implies a question of ownership in my opinion. Sure the TOS "promises" that they will not read or use your stuff, but common sense tells me NOT to put anything on the web that I don't want snatched, viewed or stolen. C'mon! It's a reality that breaches occur.

In all fairness to FB they amended their TOS to further comfort the worried users. In fact, they are making it explicitly clear that they do not own your stuff and that the CEO wants you to "trust him" with your content. (See Yahoo article at http://tech.yahoo.com/news/ap/20090218/ap_on_hi_te/facebook_sharing)Even, still. Stuff can still be stolen and used for unintended purposes. It's the Internet for crying out loud!

Who's crazy? Us for thinking our stuff is secure? Or them for changing their policy?
What do you think?

Free Stuff In A Crazy Economy

I LOVE getting free stuff. Money is tight for so many families, so the freebies really come in handy.

But you have to be careful. Here are a few tips:

When you find a site that offers free stuff, make sure that they direct you to the product site and not some third party sight. Often the third party sites are scammers that just want your email address so that they can harass you non-stop! I like Thefreesite.com. They often link you to the product company's website.

Sure you may have to complete a short survey, but that's a small price to pay for a product you can use for a month or so (depending on the product).

Also, when you register, it is a good idea to give a email address that is not your primary address. The whole purpose of giving away freebies is to:

1) get some information about consumers

2) introduce you to their product. and

3) to get marketing [contact] information so that they can contact you again in the future.

So enjoy the freebies, but not at the cost of your privacy.

Right now Dove is giving away free samples, click here.

Cheers!

Any other free sites that you like?

Don't Listen to Crazy People

Don’t Listen to Crazy People

From the beginning of time, people have had their opinions about single mothers. Hey, even I’m no different. I have said it before and I’ll say it again: I think that it is irresponsible to have unprotected sex and, thereby, create children that one cannot afford to raise effectively. For that matter, I ALSO think it is irresponsible to marry the first jerk that asks you (I’m guilty of that one!!!!). So, we all have our opinions – and blunders.

However, NONE of us are in a position to judge anyone else. Like me, you’ve made mistakes too. We can do one thing, however, we can warn other women to not make the same bad choices that we made. Warn, not judge.

There has been a ton of press about a popular conservative author and political commentator. She has been spewing judgments about people in life situations in which she can never relate. I say, don’t listen, single mom!

Choose to hear life lessons from those who care about you and your challenges. Most importantly, learn from your own mistakes (and victories, for that matter). But do not let people box you into a category because of your choices, economic status or color of your skin. Further don’t box either. Never box yourself into a life that you do not want. At any given moment in your life, you can make changes to improve. It’s possible.

People do it everyday.

For me it was returning to school so that I could earn enough money to care for my son. I also aggressively learned computer skills [online] so that I could get better jobs and more pay. Heck, I learned html online so that I could create a “side” business and send my son to private school! It didn’t cost me a dime to learn those skills! Because I did I not only made more money, but I also created a website that reaches hundreds of single moms each day!

Also I had one son. I purposely decided NOT to have more children as a single mom because I knew I could not afford them. I took control of my life and you can too. I’m not perfect – far from it. But I’m smart enough to know that I am in control of my destiny and not a bunch of “nay-sayers”, critics, and silly elitist authors.

Don’t listen to the crazy people single mom!

Destiny: Single Moms

Single mothers have been the cornerstone of society for ages. However, the stigma imposed on them has compromised society’s support of them through the years. People tend to judge more than offer resources. But women raising children alone is a reality for countless women. Those families need the support of a caring community so that the children can grow and thrive. Further, I am committed to working to provide a peripheral of support so that mothers can also grow and expand as women. A healthy and well-balanced woman is better positioned to raise healthy children as well.

A Little About Me
For those who do not know, I was a single mother for fifteen years. I married far too young and the marriage lasted a few minutes (well, almost four years). The result was a wonderful baby boy (now almost eighteen). It seems that most of my adult life was devoted to learning and discovering how to raise him effectively. I was determined to not let him suffer completely for my poor choices in marriage or in relationships.
I struggled to live a life of integrity and be a good model of humanity for him. Although I dated guys from time to time, I was careful not to parade men around him. He has never seen a man come out of my bedroom after an overnight liaison. Not because I am perfect – Lord knows I am not! Gimme a break! My twenties were seasoned with bad choices and bad relationships. But I was careful to not let him suffer from them. I did not compromise his mental health by allowing him to get attached to people that I knew were not committed to me or him. Along the same lines, it wasn’t his fault when I dated a jerk that dumped me for another woman. Since it wasn’t his fault, he didn’t need to know about it, hear about it or live with a heart-broken and depressed mom who endured one broken heart after another. I grew past that for his sake and mine.

You’re NOT doing what????
To further make life more challenging, I committed in my late twenties to abstain from sex until I was married. (I say the “challenging” part in humor – and truth!) My decision was rooted in my faith, but also in my logic. When a woman is “with” a man and gives her body and soul to him without a commitment, the pain is very intense should the relationship end. I determined that was not good for me or my son. One of my friends could not relate to my choice and when I told her about it, she responded in a shrieking voice, “You’re not doing WHAT?” She put special emphasis on the word "NOT". Funny! Although difficult, my choice was the right one. I do not regret it. Recognizing the difficulty of making tough choices, I founded a support network for single mothers like myself. With the right support systems, single moms can raise healthy kids and develop themselves personally, emotionally and professionally. There is so much talk about negative peer pressure in our world, but I believe POSITVE peer pressure is just as powerful. It has helped me and still does.

When I married three years ago, I assumed that I was to no longer to continue the single mom network that I had invested almost ten years into building. But that was a faulty decision. My heart is still with single moms and I want all of the resources I have acquired to somewhat benefit them and improve their lives as woman and as parents. A destiny is not so easily abandoned.

So, my question to all of the single moms out there is not to so much their opinions on my personal decisions. I simply shared a bit about myself to give you insight and context into me and who I am. Here’s what I want you to do: please share what you as single moms (or supporters of such) feel that women raising children need to be successful as women. What personal development resources would be most useful?
For example, when I was a single mom I struggled most with time management and budgeting. I was in school and worked a demanding full-time job. There wasn’t enough time. Secondly, although I made a good living, I never learned the “science” behind budgeting. So, it never seemed to be enough money. Resources and developmental opportunities in these areas could have helped me a great deal.

Again, what insights can you share on how single moms can flourish as women so that they can succeed as moms?

Date Smart Single Mom

Responsible Dating Choices for Single Moms
Responsible DatingRecent headlines about single mothers have been saddening and frustrating. Most made headlines because of poor relationship choices. The mothers made the choices, but the kids paid the price. Hear this and remember it: just about every choice you make affects your children.As a young single mother, I learned that my choices, even those when my son was not around me, affected his life in a variety of ways. The tears from my broken heart impacted the overall tone of my household, thereby affecting him. Similarly, when I met a great guy that made me happy that, too, affected his daily living. There’s no way around it – everything you do affects your child(ren) in some form. So you must be wise.The following tips I learned one of two ways: from painful experience or from the mistakes of other single moms. I hope you find them helpful.1) One Disciplinarian. Never allow your significant other (SO) to discipline your children. That job belongs to only one person – you. When a boyfriend disciplines or spanks your child, it confuses the child and diminishes your power to a degree. Furthermore, boyfriends – even the best ones- “lift” right out of your life. With no marriage certificate they can easily, quickly and instantaneously be gone. I know what you are thinking. Although husbands disappear as well, it’s not quite as easy. But people with no weighty commitment tend to treat SO’s and their kids a bit more casually. Be careful. Discipline is and should remain a parenting role, but it should never a “boyfriends” role.

2) Don’t Do It. Do not leave your child alone with your SO. You must be careful entrusting anyone with your child, but especially a man. You may trust him with your all of your. You may likely even love him, but it is not good practice. Just because a person is over 18, doesn’t make them responsible, competent or safe caretakers. There have been enough sad headlines of trusting single mothers who have left their children with a boyfriend. Don’t become one of them. Better safe than sorry. Take no risks with your children. Enough said.

3) Slow Your Roll A Bit. Allow plenty of time before you introduce your child(ren) to your SO. There’s no rule or formula as to how long one should wait, but I think the longer the better. Help your children preserve their emotional attachments for that person that will be around long-term. Smart single moms know that their love for a man is not always good measure for judging his character. Before a man meets your children consider waiting until he offers you a ring and a date of promise. It’s better to err on the side of caution in these situations. Waiting gives you a chance to know him, understand him and assess his lifestyle. So many married women are miserable because they did not wait to actually see what type of men they’re husbands are regarding their time and sensitivity. Besides, your child doesn’t need the memories of meeting a sea of your men suitors.

4) Hold your heart and your body dear. I know it sounds archaic in today’s culture. However, if you know your true value, you will be wary of falling in love to quickly. Instead, you will stick with someone long enough to observe their patterns, learn their core values, and understand their temperament before choosing to love them. Love is not something that “just happens” to smart women, it is a choice. It is a gift. You must choose wisely for yourself and for your kids.This leads into the second point: do not give your body to someone that you are not legally married. The intimacy and emotional attachment alone is reason enough to wait. Another reality is that many sexually transmitted diseases and infections put you at risk. As a result, why gamble with your body and your children’s future because of a physical urge or need to please a man. An easy choice it is not, but it is a choice that you will be glad you made in the end. Few people are sorry that they waited for sex; countless individuals regretted not waiting to have sex. Besides, you’re worth the wait and so are your kids.