Single Moms in the News

I’m tired.

I really am. I have been working feverishly to promote the single mom support network throughout Kansas City so that more moms can take advantage of resources available. Thankfully, I have great help in my talented niece Tasia Brooks and one of the smartest women I know – Cheryle Woods. I also appreciate the help of all of the volunteers in Kansas City. There is still so much work involved in creating the support infrastructure that is needed and I won’t stop until we’re well on our way.

Supporting single moms and their journey toward raising healthy young people has been a personal passion of mine for many years. I have spent most of my adult life as a single mother and know first-hand the challenges associated with raising kids, working full-time, continuing education and yes – having a boyfriend or two along the way. It’s tough.

That’s why Sisters Helping Sisters is necessary. Old news– it’s my part of my destiny to create this network. Nothing new, nothing shocking about that.

However, what I do find shocking is the new spotlight on single mothers lately. Surely much of the attention is due to the recent study by the National Center for Health Statistics Report on Childbirth, but I think much more is at play. Single mothers have been on society’s sidelines for many years. Moral beliefs aside, society has never really known where to place women responsible for raising children alone. For years people thought that single mothers looked a certain way and lived in certain zip codes. Not so. Likewise, many have just stuffed single mothers into a society imposed box labeled: “poor”, “welfare recipient”, “wanton”, “loose” and worse! But this new attention on the plight and experiences of single moms is showing the many faces of women raising children alone. That I find refreshing!

For all of those emails accusing me of not esteeming marriage highly enough, I say a loud and resounding “Whatever!” I believe that a healthy two-parent family is an ideal setting for child-rearing (notice I said “healthy”). That’s why I remarried, it enriched my (and my son’s) life. However, I do not and will never believe that a single woman cannot raise healthy, well-adjusted children on her own. That’s all there is to it.

So it is time to get over how women become single moms and start uniting as a community to provide resources, tools for success and assistance to those who are raising tomorrow’s citizens.


What do you think?

Racial Stuff - Get Over It!!!

A few days ago, someone offered a word of advice about Sisters Helping Sisters, the women’s organization I oversee. Let me premise the forthcoming by saying the person meant no harm whatsoever. Here’s how it played out. Innocently, they asked me: “Why do you have so many pictures of ________ people on your website”? I’ll leave the blank to your imagination. However, you should know that it relates to one’s ethnicity. The well-intentioned person went on to advise that the images may “run off” women of other races because they may not want to associate with women of other cultures.

Poppycock, I say.

I have been involved in single mom networks for almost ten years. One thing I have learned is that the struggles of single mothers are more similar than they are different. Regardless of economic status, ethnicity or zip code, most every single mom struggles with issues regarding their time (too little of it), ample opportunities to care for themselves and balancing outside relationships with the demands of motherhood. Other issues may include: finances, maintaining a healthy self-image and moving beyond past pain. I dare not compartmentalize the Single Mom Empowerment Groups based on one narrow racial group or zip code. I work very hard and make personal sacrifices to provide the resource for all single moms.

So, the Single Mom Empowerment Group in Kansas City is for everyone. All women parenting alone are welcome and the images on our marketing materials will always be reflective of the entire community we live in and serve.
Just as I told my friend, “it’s time to get over it, don’t you think?”

What Single Moms Are Saying...

Background

The Single Mom Support Groups have been going on for years. The first support group was in 1998 at the Plaza Library in Kansas City, Missouri. Since then, many transitions have transpired in our organization, our city and in society at-large.

There are simply too few resources available for single women parenting alone. In my fifteen years as a single mother, I learned how differently I had to execute family operations from my two-parent counterparts. I had to be the “all and all” for my son. I had to work smarter – not harder- to get tasks accomplished. It was critical that I strategically plan our time and make the most of our resources.

A New Day

In this new season of Sisters Helping Sisters, I welcome input and advice on what is important to single moms in Kansas City and across the country. During the last support group meeting, some moms generated a list of struggles single moms must overcome, barriers they must work through and speakers they might want to hear share insights. I welcome your feedback about the list and any additions or subtractions to amend it and make it more comprehensive. Even if you’re not in Kansas City, we welcome your input.

Struggles

-Negative people, being negative
-Finances (discipline, budgeting, healthcare, life, etc)
-Life Skills (managing cooking, cleaning, household duties, developing good healthy habits).
-Education (formally and just learning more about a variety of subjects)
-Exploring career options (linking them to education goals)
-Nutrition (making healthy meals, exercise for “everyday” people)

Barriers
-Self (making decisions, not accepting support when available)
-Low self image (society makes us feel badly about ourselves)
-Negativity about future
-Putting others higher than self
-Shame about past decisions

Speakers/Topics
-Self care
-How to be alone and not lonely
-Budgeting and handling money wisely
-Loving one’s self
-Self Defense
-Career Counseling
-Education process (where to start, etc)
-Car repair
-Home repair ("DIY" fixes)

Needless to say, this list is not all inclusive and reflects the opinions of just a few women.

What items do you think are missing on from the above list?

Do you agree with the list?

Healthy Mom, Healthy Kids

In order to rear healthy and emotionally-sound children, a woman must first be healthy and emotionally-sound herself. She needs a healthy sense of “self” so that she can make good decisions for herself and her children. It is virtually impossible for a woman to effectively raise thriving children if she herself is emotionally broken and spiritually fragmented. That’s all there is to it. I have seen it play out countless times and so have you. A woman who is insecure, fearful, nervous, and angry tends to raise children that mirror those weaknesses.

This is why, Single Mom, you must continue to work toward making yourself better and more competent in every area of your life. If you struggle with insecurity, you have to face that struggle head on and begin challenging yourself to grow and expand in areas of weakness.
Suggestion: Start with a journal of some sort. Take the time to catalogue your victories, triumphs or even survivals. List out every time you have conquered a short-coming or a setback. List them clearly. Whether it is smoking, drinking or just “falling” into bed with the first joker that says he loves you. Whatever your victory is, write it down, reflect on it and celebrate it.

Triumphant, Again!
Now that you have listed your victories, think about your formal triumphs. What have you achieved? Did you graduate from college against all odds? Did you graduate from trade school or high school? Did you just make it through today?
Your triumphs could actually be more personal than educational achievement. For instance, have you gained control of your food intake (that’s a tough one!)? Are you exercising now more than you have in the past? Whatever your triumph, embrace it and use it as a stepping stone to take you to the next stage of success.

"I Made It Through!!!"

Don’t forget to focus on your survivals. Did you survive a relationship that you thought would destroy you emotionally or even physically? If so, that’s praise-worthy! Did you manage [or are you managing] to raise your children with very few resources? Again, that’s a survival! Many of us have survived everything from personal attacks, mistreatment and spiritual setbacks. The key is to catalogue the triumph deep into your psyche so that you can use it to propel you forward in life. As a young mom, I never imagined that I would be able to work full-time, go to college, live in a great suburb while keeping my baby in a great private school, but God gave me the strength and the resources. That’s a big deal for me. I have been victorious, triumphant and, yes, I SURVIVED!

Single Mom, do not be “down” on yourself for your shortcomings. Instead purposely celebrate just how far you’ve come. I say it all of the time, ‘a lesser woman would have quit’. But you keep on “trucking’. That’s a huge step toward being that healthy and successful mom raising healthy, well-balanced kids!

Destiny: Single Moms

Single mothers have been the cornerstone of society for ages. However, the stigma imposed on them has compromised society’s support of them through the years. People tend to judge more than offer resources. But women raising children alone is a reality for countless women. Those families need the support of a caring community so that the children can grow and thrive. Further, I am committed to working to provide a peripheral of support so that mothers can also grow and expand as women. A healthy and well-balanced woman is better positioned to raise healthy children as well.

A Little About Me
For those who do not know, I was a single mother for fifteen years. I married far too young and the marriage lasted a few minutes (well, almost four years). The result was a wonderful baby boy (now almost eighteen). It seems that most of my adult life was devoted to learning and discovering how to raise him effectively. I was determined to not let him suffer completely for my poor choices in marriage or in relationships.
I struggled to live a life of integrity and be a good model of humanity for him. Although I dated guys from time to time, I was careful not to parade men around him. He has never seen a man come out of my bedroom after an overnight liaison. Not because I am perfect – Lord knows I am not! Gimme a break! My twenties were seasoned with bad choices and bad relationships. But I was careful to not let him suffer from them. I did not compromise his mental health by allowing him to get attached to people that I knew were not committed to me or him. Along the same lines, it wasn’t his fault when I dated a jerk that dumped me for another woman. Since it wasn’t his fault, he didn’t need to know about it, hear about it or live with a heart-broken and depressed mom who endured one broken heart after another. I grew past that for his sake and mine.

You’re NOT doing what????
To further make life more challenging, I committed in my late twenties to abstain from sex until I was married. (I say the “challenging” part in humor – and truth!) My decision was rooted in my faith, but also in my logic. When a woman is “with” a man and gives her body and soul to him without a commitment, the pain is very intense should the relationship end. I determined that was not good for me or my son. One of my friends could not relate to my choice and when I told her about it, she responded in a shrieking voice, “You’re not doing WHAT?” She put special emphasis on the word "NOT". Funny! Although difficult, my choice was the right one. I do not regret it. Recognizing the difficulty of making tough choices, I founded a support network for single mothers like myself. With the right support systems, single moms can raise healthy kids and develop themselves personally, emotionally and professionally. There is so much talk about negative peer pressure in our world, but I believe POSITVE peer pressure is just as powerful. It has helped me and still does.

When I married three years ago, I assumed that I was to no longer to continue the single mom network that I had invested almost ten years into building. But that was a faulty decision. My heart is still with single moms and I want all of the resources I have acquired to somewhat benefit them and improve their lives as woman and as parents. A destiny is not so easily abandoned.

So, my question to all of the single moms out there is not to so much their opinions on my personal decisions. I simply shared a bit about myself to give you insight and context into me and who I am. Here’s what I want you to do: please share what you as single moms (or supporters of such) feel that women raising children need to be successful as women. What personal development resources would be most useful?
For example, when I was a single mom I struggled most with time management and budgeting. I was in school and worked a demanding full-time job. There wasn’t enough time. Secondly, although I made a good living, I never learned the “science” behind budgeting. So, it never seemed to be enough money. Resources and developmental opportunities in these areas could have helped me a great deal.

Again, what insights can you share on how single moms can flourish as women so that they can succeed as moms?

Postively SINGLE Mom!

Positively Positive, Single Mom!
It has never been more apparent to me than recently how we must value the time we have with those we love. In one day- one short twenty four hours- the telephone can ring with news that can turn our lives upside down. We must live each day to it’s fullest, making the most of every moment.It is easy to focus on the challenges of day to day living and ignore the blessings of the present moment. Your health, strength and resources are the positives to focus on each day. As a single mom, you may not have every material thing you want, but you do have something. The very fact that you are reading this blog demonstrates that you have access to a computer. That’s a blessing. Your car may not be impressive to most, but if you have one at all, that’s a blessing.There was an old song with lyrics that tell us to “accentuate” the positive.

As a single mom, this is especially good advice. I know it sounds "Pollyanna-ish, but if you maximize the negative, your inner spirit will live in a state of “heaviness” that could turn into depression and affect your ability to parent well. Your children need to see you happy, optimistic and encouraged. This will build their confidence and teach them the valuable lesson of counting their blessings.Besides, when you focus on the ‘happy’ side of life, you’ll be better able to recognize great the opportunities that come your way. So, keep your spirits up, Single Mom! The best is yet to come!Teri Worten Brooks is the founder of Sisters Helping Sisters, Inc. A Missouri-based nonprofit organization devoted to building the capacity of single mothers and all women to reach their fullest potential. Learn more at http://www.sistershelpingsisters.org/

Early Birds or Crazy Birds????

Last night I determined to wake up a bit early today to feed my spirit and start the day motivated and encouraged. So, I dutifully got up from my nice, cozy soft bed and headed toward my cold, dark kitchen. My first thought was to do a load of laundry or something. But I didn’t. This was time for my own replenishment and self-care. I wasn't going to deviate from the plan.

The only problem is that I am a morning hater! I'm known for thinking anyone who is up before seven o'clock is nuts! However, I must admit that I noticed something tranquil about the early morning. But I'm still not completely convinced that this "early bird" thing is for me. Time will tell.

While in the kitchen, I turned on the lights and groggily made a cup of peppermint tea. Hoping the pungent flavor of pepperment would give me a burst of energy and wake me up. Still somewhat sleep, I spent the time in prayer and mediation as I had planned. I was very drowsy and can't say that I remember much of what I read or journaled, but it was nice to have some time for myself before the madness of another busy day began to settle in.

It's critical to make time for yourself whether you’re a working mom, a married mom, or a single mom. As a matter of fact, I think the latter mentioned needs this quiet time the most.

As a single mom, you are incredibly busy giving out and distributing your resources to others. As a result, it is easy to forget the simple principle of self care- making time for you. Think about it, car that has a gas gauge on empty is of little use to anyone. The same goes for you.

Whether your "you" time is in the morning, evening or during the lunch hour, make some time to spend on yourself. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty about it. As a single mom, my time was clearly during the evening (I guess you figured out that I am not a morning person by nature). As a matter of fact, after Ben (my son) went to sleep, I would stay up to do something I enjoyed. I would paint my toe nails, read or guiltlessly peruse a fashion website or I did whatever else I thoroughly enjoyed. Remember, it's not about the quantity of time, but the frequency that matters.

Point: Regularly make more time for yourself so that you can be an effective, relaxed and well-balanced mom. Do it for your kids, do it for yourself.