Moms Need Friends Too: Identifying Your Own Personal Support Group

Moms Need Friends Too: Identifying Your Own Personal Support Group

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Ideas for Time With Your Teens

Spending time away - from home - with your teenager promotes strong relationships and open communication. Research-based sources validate the significance of your involvement in your teen’s day to day life. You can easily utilize “together” moments as opportunities to convey your values and expectations about sex, drugs and other risky behaviors. As you spend time with your kids, you can actually position yourself as the “safe” person for advice and ongoing support.

Kansas City offers countless opportunities for low-cost fun with your young person. Take advantage of the City’s resources to create “mindless” and almost effortless time to just enjoy one another. Many parents mistakenly wait until their teen is in crisis to develop close interpersonal relationships. It’s often too late at that point. Instead, spend small, but frequent, increments of time with your teen on a regular basis. They may act as though they don’t like it, but they will thank you for the memories later in life.

Here are some cost-free ideas to “hang out” with your teenager:

• Visit the lush, multi-colored Kauffman Memorial Gardens off of Rockhill for a peaceful mini-retreat.
• Take snacks to Shawnee Mission Park and gaze at the rippling water from the gazebo.
• Leisurely take in the greenery at Loose Park.
• Introduce your kids to the excitement of City Market on a Saturday morning – loads of fun and plenty of conversation starters!
• Read the same book or magazine article and walk the Country Club Plaza while discussing it.

As you can see, spending time with your teen doesn’t have to break the bank. Nor will it take hours and hours of time. In reality, frequency is more importance than duration. Recurrent chunks of bonding time demonstrate your commitment to your teen’s interest and them as a person. The end result will be a strong, trusting relationship that propels your teenager toward self-confidence and a sense of belonging. In fact, my teen gripes when I suggest we hang out. But just the other day he said he enjoys our time together. Go figure.

Any other ideas of how we can enjoy our teens?

Useful Links:

Things to do with your teen

Kauffman Memorial Garden

For more links visit Teri Kansas City Examiner articles here.

Manners Aside: Survival for Moms

Have you ever noticed when you travel by plane, the very minute the plane is in the air and you are relaxed in your seat that the flight attendant comes with along with the “in case of emergency” lecture? Frankly, I roll my eyes when I see him or her positioning in the aisle. I usually don’t care about the exits or how to use the oxygen masks. I generally just want to sit undisturbed until my graham crackers [or peanuts] arrive.

But they come with their spiel anyway.

You know the speech, it’s something like this: “in the event of trouble, affix your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs”. The first time I heard this demonstration, I thought “hmmm…that it seems kinda rude.” Shouldn’t I help others first? The answer is a resounding NO! Why you ask. The answer is simple: the flight attendant is talking about [your and other's] survival not the social registry.

As a young mom, I was surprisingly aware of the link between effective parenting and my personal well-being. My son needed me and relied on me. I loved him, so I wanted to be physically and emotionally healthy for him. Whenever I did slack in my self care, my mom swiftly reminded me: “Teri, you are no good to anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself first.” My mom was just talking about me taking vitamins, but I saw other life applications to her advice. As a result, I incorporated “little” self-care rituals into my daily routine. For instance, in the morning I would purposely wake up before my son, Benji, to do something I wanted to do. I’d use the time to journal, experiment with hairstyles or just paint my nails.

I found it helpful to do the same in the evenings. After a stressful day at work, I desperately needed to de-compress. So when my son was older, I allowed myself five minutes “me” time before I started dinner. It is amazing what five minutes could do for my mind and spirit. I often would just sit on the floor and stretch out the kinks of the day. It felt great! Other times, I’d slather on one of my favorite scented lotions before I headed to the kitchen to prepare a quick meal. My son must have thought I smelled like a giant vanilla bean or pomegranate when I came out of the room, but I didn’t care. Those simple gestures reminded me of my worth and significance.

Just as in the flight analogy, you must take are of yourself before you can competently care of anyone else – including your kids. It may “feel” selfish initially, but when you integrate balance, it’s anything but selfish! It’s absolutely necessary. We’re talking your physical and emotional survival.

Remember this: extreme self-compromising behaviors send unhealthy messages to your kids. Self care for you – as a parent - is an important part of a healthy, well-balanced lifestyle. That’s a great lesson to learn early in life.

Take care of yourself. In doing so, you’ll be providing your children the best care imaginable. Check out these sites for more tips:

"31 Ways to Relax in 10 Minutes or Less"
"100 Ways to Relax, Unwind and Loosen Up"
"8 Simple Ways to Relax"

I love Rodney Lee with Gaim. I have his Yoga tape "Yoga for Beginners".


Special note: As I penned this blog entry, I remembered that I hadn’t eaten a good meal the entire day! So, I left my laptop and took care of me. All lessons in life need a little reinforcement from time to time. What a great reminder for myself as well!

How Single Moms Are Like Al Pacino

How are you like Al Pacino?

Last week, I watched one of my favorite movies “Carlito’s Way” starring Al Pacino. In the film, Pacino portrays a newly reformed and newly released gangster determined to abstain from the deadly influences of the ghetto streets. He was released from prison on some legal technicality. He viewed his release as a perfect opportunity to make a clean start.

How you are like the Al Pacino character, you ask? Patience, I’m getting there.

During one of my favorite scenes, Carlito stands on a rainy corner of a gloomy street watching his beloved Gail dance inside a studio. She is completely unaware that he is there – or out of prison for that matter. The camera zooms in on Pacino’s face. Pacino was captivated by this woman he has not seen in many years. Enormous raindrops pounced on him until he was dripping wet.

Then Carlito did something intriguing.

He noticed a few aluminum garbage cans lining the dark, lonely curb. Suddenly, he reaches over, swipes a lid and holds it over his head to shield him from the rain as he watched Gail’s flowing ballet movements. From a sociological perspective it was a fascinating action. A garbage can lid is something that most people would not see as a resource for anything other than covering the stench of decaying trash. Nonetheless, it was right there - sitting, waiting and ready to serve a new and creative purpose for Carlito. Carlito was a gangster, a survivor in the most primal sense of the word. A survivor uses whatever is available to them to be okay, to survive and to succeed.

As a single mom, you are what Carlito is in the film – a survivor. When you are trying to survive, you grab whatever you can to ensure that your [and your children’s] needs are met. You take full advantage of every possible resource to stay strong. You become creatively practical.

What resources are you overlooking that may be of great benefit to you? Is it a small business idea that could render extra cash for your family? Is it a college degree that might increase your earning potential? How about your faith? Are you making the best possible use of your faith to encourage you during the hard times? Do you pray? Are you reading scripture for strength and reinforcement?

Your over-looked resource could also be people. People can be great resources. Communicate your needs and goals to trusted individuals. You never know, they may be able to help you. Don’t underestimate people’s knowledge areas, networking connections or wisdom. Quite possibly, your buddy at work may be related to the head of a human resources division. Perhaps, your cousin knows someone that could help you go back to college. Your quiet elderly neighbor may know of a great babysitter for your kids! The possibilities are endless. Just cast your bread upon the waters and see what happens.

Ah-Choo...Be Careful, Not Crazy

As you well know, the Swine Flu is raising a great deal of concern in the news. I’m glad information about it is surfacing so that I can protect myself and my family. It is good to be educated and knowledgeable. However, the media is teetering on the line between educating us and scaring us to the point of manic distraction. Aside from the flu, a lot of folks in my social circle are enduring colds and allergies. In fact, as I pen this blog entry, I am in bed with a nasty case of bronchitis. My soupy cough is the result of a lingering sinus infection. Go figure. Anyhoo, I went to the doc a few days ago where I was diagnosed, treated and at peace with my path to wellness…that is until I began watching television today.

A self-proclaimed news junkie, I am spending my “sick in bed” time watching the twenty-four hour news networks. I love the developing political stories and pundits spouting their opinions. But surprisingly, politics is not as much in the news as the Swine Flu! It’s shocking that almost every news station is discussing the flu in one form or another. Each segment, each interview gets scarier and more alarming that the first. Slowly my peace of mind [about my own cough] begins to dwindle. “Do I have it?” Thankfully, sanity prevails over panic and I remember that I simply have is a sinus infection and a little bronchitis. That’s it! No need for a masks or quarantine just yet!

As you know, when it comes to the press, you’ve got to take the meat and leave the bones. If not careful, you can easily become paranoid after hearing stories of economic troubles, murders and yes, flu outbreaks. In this latest case of the Bird Flu…I mean the Swine Flu… professionals advise to basically wash your hands frequently, cover your mouth when coughing and stay home if when sick with fevers, sore throats and coughs. Oh yeah, the president says to wash your hands after you shake. That wouldn’t go over so well in my world, but good advice.

For more information, check out CNN’s FAQ at http://pagingdrgupta.blogs.cnn.com/2009/04/27/cnn-answers-your-faqs-on-swine-flu/

Saving Some Doe!

Now days, everyone is shopping for a bargain – especially many single moms in need of stretching each dollar to it’s fullest potential. I have always admired those women that know exactly when to shop and how to get a bargain even during the toughest economic times. I’ve asked around and here’s what some of the consumer geniuses told me.

Get ready to shop for your winter items.
Because we are somewhat “in-between” seasons, all of the winter items are not as low as they will be in about a month or so. So, start watching the clearance racks now for items you will likely need come October and November (coats, sweaters, hats, gloves, etc.). Also, buy a size or two up for your kid’s winter clothes. That way you are sure to have items that will fit them when Jack Frost arrives. Great article: http://www.finweb.com/financial-planning/shopping-for-clothes-in-the-off-season.html

Food Items
This just depends. You have to watch the advertisement flyers so that you may compare. If you’re in Kansas City, Apple Market doubles your coupons – look for other stores that do likewise. Also, many swear by shopping on Wednesdays when the sales are fresh and items are just displayed. For more food shopping tips for healthy items, check out http://kidshealth.org/teen/food_fitness/nutrition/grocery_shopping.html

Coupon Craze
I have never been the best at collecting coupons. I just never knew how to organize them without buy another “something” for my already cluttered life. However, I really love the concept of digital or online coupons. You can search for them when you need them and print them right from your computer. SmartMoney.Com makes some recommendations of the best online coupon sites. View them here: http://www.smartmoney.com/spending/deals/5-best-coupon-clipping-web-sites-23634/

Check out the CBS segment about online coupons!

Watch CBS Videos Online

Single Moms in the News

I’m tired.

I really am. I have been working feverishly to promote the single mom support network throughout Kansas City so that more moms can take advantage of resources available. Thankfully, I have great help in my talented niece Tasia Brooks and one of the smartest women I know – Cheryle Woods. I also appreciate the help of all of the volunteers in Kansas City. There is still so much work involved in creating the support infrastructure that is needed and I won’t stop until we’re well on our way.

Supporting single moms and their journey toward raising healthy young people has been a personal passion of mine for many years. I have spent most of my adult life as a single mother and know first-hand the challenges associated with raising kids, working full-time, continuing education and yes – having a boyfriend or two along the way. It’s tough.

That’s why Sisters Helping Sisters is necessary. Old news– it’s my part of my destiny to create this network. Nothing new, nothing shocking about that.

However, what I do find shocking is the new spotlight on single mothers lately. Surely much of the attention is due to the recent study by the National Center for Health Statistics Report on Childbirth, but I think much more is at play. Single mothers have been on society’s sidelines for many years. Moral beliefs aside, society has never really known where to place women responsible for raising children alone. For years people thought that single mothers looked a certain way and lived in certain zip codes. Not so. Likewise, many have just stuffed single mothers into a society imposed box labeled: “poor”, “welfare recipient”, “wanton”, “loose” and worse! But this new attention on the plight and experiences of single moms is showing the many faces of women raising children alone. That I find refreshing!

For all of those emails accusing me of not esteeming marriage highly enough, I say a loud and resounding “Whatever!” I believe that a healthy two-parent family is an ideal setting for child-rearing (notice I said “healthy”). That’s why I remarried, it enriched my (and my son’s) life. However, I do not and will never believe that a single woman cannot raise healthy, well-adjusted children on her own. That’s all there is to it.

So it is time to get over how women become single moms and start uniting as a community to provide resources, tools for success and assistance to those who are raising tomorrow’s citizens.


What do you think?